Reflections of a Friend
by Sabre1
Summary: Hiro reflects on his feelings for Shuichi. *warning* Spoilers if you haven't seen the series.


Title: Reflections of a Friend  
Feedback : Please  
Pairings: Umm Shuichi and Yuki and Hiro and Ayaka  
Disclaimer : I don't own any of these characters; I just borrow them  
Rating : G  
Warning : yaoi, angst  
  
  
The other day I was walking down the street, and someone recognized me. They asked for my  
autograph and, of course, I gave it to them. It got me thinking about the band and how far  
we've come in such a short time. Then I started thinking about how it used to be, before  
Fujisaki was so tactfully put in by Touma. When it was just you and me. We had so much fun,  
just playing for the fun of it, joking about the day when we'd be rich and famous and have  
all the girls hanging around us in our huge house that we were gonna live in together. It   
turned out differently, didn't it?  
  
I remember that morning when you were sitting in that chair in the hall, Sakano trying to  
jump out of the window because you hadn't finished the song on time. You had said some  
guy had insulted your lyrics and it was bugging you. It was all you could talk about. How   
could he be so mean? How could some stranger have said that to you? I knew in my heart   
that you had to be attracted to him, the way you never could be to me. So I told you to go   
to him. I wanted you to be happy more than anything, disregarding my feelings for you. I  
came so close to confessing everything that day, but I joked it off just when you thought I  
might be serious. I wish I had done things differently.  
  
After that I never saw you. You were either at his house or Yuki was being an asshole so   
you stayed home from work. When you were there, all you talked about was him and how things  
were going. I began to get feelings for Ayaka and, for a while, they distracted me from you.  
I remember the night you were attacked by Tachi. You came to my apartment so beaten up you   
couldn't even stand on your own. I helped you to my bed, telling you I would take care of   
things. It didn't take long until you fell asleep and I left, feeling more anger than I   
could ever remember. Anger towards Tachi for attacking you, anger towards Yuki for hurting  
you in the one way he could hurt you the most. When I came back, I felt so useless. Yuki  
was going to take care of the situation, and I knew that was what was supposed to happen. I  
just watched you sleeping, so peaceful. I wanted so badly to hold you in my arms and be the  
one to protect you. But it wasn't me you wanted, it was Yuki. It would always be Yuki.  
  
You recovered quickly and back to the normal Yuki drama. I was feeling so lonely. I began  
liking Ayaka more. But she was still in love with Yuki. Again, Yuki was in the way of my  
happiness. It seemed so unfair, but I kept going. The band was doing so well and I didn't  
want my feelings to screw everything up for you or Fujisaki. So I held my silence. Then   
that day came when I saw you and Yuki on TV. It was after the concert when you had yelled   
to the world that Yuki was yours. Yuki was confessing everything to the world. It was at   
that moment that everything became concrete. This was not just a one sided infatuation.   
Yuki told everyone that you were lovers, and I wanted to cry. The shock turned to anger at   
the fact that K was using your relationship to sell our music. This was never about making   
money or selling records. It was about us doing what we loved. So I quit. I left the   
studio that day not intending to come back, ever. I wasn't surprised when you showed up,   
trying to get me back. I again came dangerously close to confessing everything to you, but   
convienently I turned the person into Ayaka and not you.   
  
The next day, she visited me. She promised she would date me if we sold a million copies.   
I was so desparate for someone to love that I took up her offer and ran into the interview  
room, telling the world that I wasn't quitting. Later, I saw the interview. You, standing  
on the table, yelling about how Nittle Grasper didn't have a guitarist. It just showed me  
how concrete our friendship was. Friendship. It wouldn't ever be anything more. I came to  
that realization and continued to smile and pretend to be happy with Ayaka. I think that  
happiness might have been genuine for a while.   
  
Yuki took off for New York, though none of us knew it then. You said you were done with him,  
you weren't going to follow. I felt more hope than I had in a very long time. Maybe it   
would take a while, but you would eventually get over him completely. I kept telling that  
lie to myself until the day of the concert. It was ten minutes after we were supposed to   
start and you still hadn't showed up. I realized, with that sinking feeling in the pit of  
my stomach, that you had gone after Yuki. I knew after that that you would always be his.  
Beyond my reach forever. I don't really remember much of that concert. Somehow I made it  
through all of the songs. Afterwards I went home and cried myself to sleep. You have no  
idea how I felt. I knew that, no matter what I did, now matter how close we became, no   
matter what Yuki said or did to you, you wouldn't be mine. So I forced myself to be happy   
for you and spend time with Ayaka to fill that void.  
  
Time seemed to blur by after that. It didn't take very long for me to break up with Ayaka.  
She had just been a temporary thing. A way to distract myself from you. But I could never  
feel for her what I feel for you. I had forced myself to like her, and she was paying the  
price for that. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for hurting her. I was alone again,  
and I felt like I deserved it. I practiced relentlissly and wrote songs like there was no  
tomorrow. Everyone was so pleased by my work but I couldn't really be happy anymore. We   
never spent time together. It had been so long since we just sat down together and talked.  
About everything. About nothing. I missed you.   
  
Tokyo Bay Music Festival came and went and we were getting bigger every day. I think I   
fooled myself into believing that I was over you. Why long for what you can't have, right?  
So I partied a lot, looking for someone to fill the emptiness in my soul. I slept with  
countless people, but it was all temporary. I didn't care who it was or what this was doing  
for my reputation. Touma found out about it and ordered me to stop. He didn't want Bad Luck  
portrayed like that. So I did. I stayed home and wrote music and read books and watched old  
Nittle Grasper videos. Alone. Always alone. There were nights when I woke up with tears  
on my pillow, having dreams of how things used to be before everything got so damned   
complicated. I wanted that time back but I knew it would never be like it was.   
  
Then one day, during an interview on live TV, they surprised us with a 'special' guest. Who  
else, but ASK who had recently been signed to a new company. Needless to say, it was all   
very tense. They kept trying to get Tachi to say what had happened that night, but he told   
them the past was in the past and he was better. I wanted to punch his lights out. How   
dare this man, who had hurt you so brutally, have the right to say that. I felt like I   
should protect you like I couldn't before. But, again, Yuki was the one to protect you. It   
wasn't my place. You were visibly shaken by the whole thing afterwards. I offered to talk   
to you about it but you declined, saying you were just going to go home. Once again you had  
hurt me more than you know.  
  
Then you found out that your sister was dating Tachi. That really surprised everyone. She  
had no clue as to what had happened, only that he was hiding something about his past from   
her and it involved you. So you called Touma to sit down and 'talk' with her. I guess I can  
see now why you didn't call me, but in a way it surprised me that you didn't even think to  
have me there for your support. Our friendship was dying and it seemed like I was the only  
one who really cared.  
  
I went back home to visit my parents, and I was genuinly happy being around them again. Then  
one day I guess you had decided to visit me with Yuki. I came home to find you two in the  
pool, kissing. I just kind of stood there and blurted out your name. You quickly broke and  
blushed, apologizing and trying to explain like a mad man. I just turned and walked back   
into the house. You followed me and I told you we needed to take a walk. We made it to a   
park bench. You quickly told me you had been waiting for me when you had fallen into the   
pool. I honestly don't know what I was thinking right then. But I told you. Everything.   
My feelings for you. And I kissed you and you kissed back. I savored that kiss for as long   
as I could. When we broke you just said my name, softly. I apologized for kissing you but   
told you that I didn't take back anything I had said. I meant it all. You told me you   
needed to think about everything. I knew it was just an excuse to get away from me, but   
I let you go.  
  
We practically became strangers after that. I saw you at work but we barely said two words  
to each other. I was feeling no regrets for any of it. If we were going to lose our   
friendship over this, then so be it. I didn't want it to be that way, but I fooled myself  
into believing it. God, if I could just take back that one day that you had met him. Maybe  
spent a little longer at the restaraunt or had you come over to my house for a while. It   
would have all been so different. Maybe Yuki and Ayaka would have gotten married and they  
would have a family or something. And we would still be making music, staying up all night  
talking about girls and parties and making fun of Touma's hat together. But it's not going  
to be that way. Ever. You have Yuki and Yuki has you. There isn't any room for the former  
best friend. So I'll continue to live this way. Alone. And someday I can hope I find  
someone I love as much as I love you. As much as I want you. Maybe we can even become as  
close as we once were. But I will never stop wishing to have that time with you again. To  
live it all over again.  
  
  
If I could save time in a bottle  
The first thing that I'd like to do  
Is to save every day  
Till eternity passes away  
Just to spend them with you  
  
If I could make days last forever  
If words could make wishes come true  
I'd save every day like a treasure and then  
Again I would spend them with you  
  
But there never seems to be enough time  
To do the things you want to do  
Once you find them  
I've looked around enough to know  
That you're the one I want to go through time with*  
  
Owari  
  
*Taken from Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce 


End file.
